this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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