I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
