So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
