That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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