when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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