I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
