there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
