The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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