I am puke
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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