dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
