he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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