Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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