last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
