i think i have herpe
just one?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
