Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
