thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think I won the penis lottery.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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