Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
