I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
