her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
