"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
