Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
