if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
