Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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