Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
