Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
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My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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