I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
