So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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