you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
