hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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