There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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