eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
