Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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