if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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