i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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