I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
