Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.