im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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