he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wear drunk well.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
