Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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