I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
