he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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