I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
