I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's never too late to be topless.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
