I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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