What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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