My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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