I puked a lego.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
