Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
