Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
