If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
