I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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