I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i dont even know how to be here
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
