You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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