I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
