Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
