i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You left your phone here
Wait...
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